thank you for writing and sharing this. It was hard to read (especially as someone with multiple, invisible disabilities), but I hope every one of my followers and their followers read it.

And to anyone out there who whips out "not all men" or "I'm an ally" when faced with evidence of abuse—we thank you for yer fuckin' service 🫡, but you're missing the point there bud.

@alice thank you for reading - it was an incredibly difficult one to write.

All day I’ve been dealing with variations of “not all men” including one guy who called me sweetie and told me it was time I realized most men are “fond” of women, and another who told me this type of fear mongering is dangerous for men who fear mission creep that will impact their civil liberties.

Guys - we fear being raped and murdered. We’re done feeling bad that you fear that you might be held accountable. You’ve been let off the hook for long enough. Also - if you’re posting on THIS article that I need to show more deference to men - you’re not a “good man”.

@alice See, I get the urge to reply "not all men", because *literally* the first thought I used to have is "but I did nothing wrong!"

It takes some reflection to realize that, yes, I did. Of course I never raped anyone, or even pressured anyone.

But can I honestly claim I was always on the side of the victim?

I know I've seen women edge away uncomfortably from men leaning over them, and shrugged it off; it doesn't mean anything. But I don't know if she got home safely.

1/n

This isn't even the most likely scenario, but it's one that plays out regularly right before our eyes, and it's one we men can change. And we can change it bit by bit, in case we feel something holding us back.

First, detect this. Once you start looking, you see it everywhere, including situations you don't want to expect it.

Perhaps the next step is to pay attention that she leaves without him following. If he does follow her out, take the opportunity to step out as well for a breath of...

... fresh air, but really to make sure she gets that cab on her own.

You're still not *helping*, but at least you can rest better.

In my experience, "dude, you're wasting your time, she's not interested" is fairly non-confrontational and actually helps most of the time. It's not even the right signal, but for the situation it's OK.

It'd be better to be more open: "she doesn't want your attention, back off" - but that could get you punched.

Does that scare you? Yeah, less than she is. Man up.

There's the sneaky method: walk over to her, big smile on your face, "hey <invented name>, long time no see! How are you doing?"

Might help to lean in for an (arms length) hug that conveniently puts your torso between her and him. So close, you can even whisper "get away" in her ear. Chances are good she'll do just that.

Keep up the distraction! Turn to him, extend your hand, "Hi I'm X, how do you know each other?"

Works like a charm. Doesn't change the narrative, but first things first.

Maybe after some friendly small talk you feel comfortable enough to say "you're probably a decent guy. I don't know her, but I could see she wanted to get away. Rejection sucks, but you'd have been rejected anyway. This way, she got peace."

Or whatever. Like I said, it's not the best scenario, just one that's easy to change.

The point is, when you start paying attention, you'll start listening. You can start changing things.

Sooner or later, you can also tackle the harder things, like...

... that neighbour who always stiffens when her husband is near, carefully neutral expression on her face.

Don't pay attention to her. Talk to him, friendly. Do not make him jealous. That's more danger for her.

Slip her a note when you're damned sure he's not seeing it, with a helpline, the word "help?" doesn't hurt. Not a man's name, like yours. You do not exist in her life, as far as he is concerned.

That takes patience, repetition, no pressure, keep ignoring her and being friendly to him.

Speaking up to help change things is something else. That's what I'm doing here.

Helping *needs* you to pay attention. Body language tells you way more than words. Once you see, you will not unsee, and the rest will follow.

I'm way past the point where "but I didn't do anything wrong" is my first thought.

Is this the right response? I do not know. I think - I hope - that it'll speak well enough to enough men, at least, and provide some kind of path.

Male culture is weirdly scary, also...

... for men.

Otherwise we wouldn't have a problem believing women when they so clearly communicate their own fears.

It's fear of ridicule, rejection, loss of status that holds *most* of us back. There *are* fewer actively bad men than the rest of us.

But being "just" passively bad by holding back out of fear doesn't absolve anyone.

The point of the path above is not that it's what is needed, fuck no. But it's one that anyone can take, and learn and grow along the way.

Look, here's a personal ancedote that I still feel shame about. I won't change that, I don't need a response to it. It's to illustrate the shift in perspective that is necessary.

Back when I was around 18, I had a girlfriend for a short while.

One day, I was very sick: fever, snot, headaches, that kind of thing. She wanted to come over. I said "no, I don't want you to get sick as well" - "I don't mind" - "Don't be silly, I'm no use to you. We'll see each other in a few days".

I was the good..

... guy here, yes? Stoic. Taking care of her well-being even though I was in a bad shape.

We saw each other a few days later, she wasn't happy. After some prodding she confessed she'd gone to some other guy to stay the night.

I felt betrayed, heartbroken. I broke up with her on the spot. She wasn't even upset, said she expected and deserved it.

It took me ten years of listening, talking about this, and dredging up bits and pieces of the time with her to piece together the full picture.

Sensitive content Reveal/hide

So no, she didn't deserve me breaking up with her. She deserved someone to say "sure, come over, maybe stay in the guest room so you don't get sick as well".

The point being, it can be this close, this personal, this *invisible* until you start listening and paying attention.

Screw the "not all men" response. All you're saying is you want to stay in your comfortable bubble.