The Beaverton has found the silver lining:

PALO ALTO, CA – With Silicon Valley boasting that artificial intelligence could replace millions of jobs around the world, currently laid-off workers have reported having more free time to form angry mobs dedicated to storming and torching the homes of the tech billionaires responsible.

The mobs, made up primarily of formerly-employed white collar workers whose livelihoods were erased by poorly-performing AI programs, are using their newfound leisure time to band together with fellow pitchfork-wielding civilians and demand the heads of various pampered CEOs.

“Getting laid off without warning from my copywriting job has done wonders for my work-life-bloodthirsty mob balance,” reports Taylor Grayden, 35, of Vancouver. “Back when I had a job I never would’ve had the free time to organize an unruly rabble and march towards the beach house of (Open AI CEO) Sam Altman. But now I’m getting so much more violent retribution accomplished in a day.”

Members of the quickly-spreading angry hordes include recently-downsized SEO analysts, CPAs, web developers, and programmers.

“I felt so lost after I was let go at my analytics firm so my whole department could be replaced by Claude AI,” explains Sarah Brightwell, 42, of Kingston, ON. “But then I started learning how to use AI as a tool – specifically for planning a multi-week siege of the sprawling compound of Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei.”

“Granted, the attack plans Claude spit out were full of hallucinations, but it got the ball rolling for me to organize my fellow unemployed humans and get marching,” Brightwell adds, tightening the bolts on her homemade trebuchet. “After all, AI can’t throw a molotov cocktail!”

Silicon Valley CEOs like Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, and Peter Thiel have reported mild growth in AI-fuelled productivity, as well as massive leaps in jobless bourgeoisie rabble surrounding their estates and pounding at the gates with guillotines.

“Sure, we probably could have avoided this if we’d accompanied our artificial intelligence products with any kind of workable universal basic income system,” explains Altman from one of his currently-burning $12.8 million San Francisco homes. “But I’d still rather die with all this money.”

In a related story, employment numbers across Canada and the United States continue to plummet, with the notable exception of the “flaming catapult manufacturer” sector, which grew by 800% last quarter.

See More: AI, Unemployment

Source: thebeaverton.com/2026/03/ai-jo…

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